The Greatest Story Ever Told (Trademarked)
by PikaScootaloo
Summary: So, listen! See, there's this guy, and he's super cranky. He'll turn down just about every goth, geek, and Japanese schoolgirl there is. But when he meets a certain special witch, can he learn to love?


Once upon a time, there lived a really cranky guy. He was so cranky that everyone died.

...Wait, wrong story. Right.

Okay, gather around children, we mustn't dilly nor dally. Now see, this guy, he was cranky. Sooo cranky that everyone loved him. Yeah. There's your logic there, folks. Fun, ain't it?

He had just finished avoiding the dreaded rabid Sierra (she was pretty much like... a pirrahna! Pirrahnas are cool, rawr!) when he finally got back to his room. Did I mention this was at the Playa De Losers? The beach of losers, if you're completely braindead or possessed by a super foreign alien.

Yeah, so, he got back to his room, his face covered in kiss marks. Oh, I should tell you what he looks like. See, this cranky guy has dark skin. I think he might be Indian. Y'know, Bollywood, not Native America. So he's got this freakishly huge square forehead, and his hair is dark and fluffy like a dog! He's got a Labrador, since we're talking about dogs. Or maybe it's a golden retriever. Cocker Spaniel? Kahkah-pewpew-peepee-shaw? Ha, that's dirty!

Oh, right. So anyway, this cranky guy, he's got this blue and red and white vest, and I think cargo shorts with high tops. Naturally, everyone loved his disgusting fashion. That was kind of why he got covered in more kisses than on a usual Thursday morning. Did I mention no one goes to school? They're all on summer break forever! It's totally fun being immortal!

The cranky guy's room was super neat and tidy, though that's probably because all his books and GameSphere games (it's spherical! SPHERICAL.) were shoved underneath his bed. So nothing was out. Sheesh, you'd think he'd have a few personal items or something.

Noa—... uh, the cranky guy, I mean, fell to his bed, exhausted from the amount of crazy and rabid pirrahnas that kept following him. But then, someone knocked on the door! Ignoring his exhaustion, he stood up and opened the door.

Standing in the door frame was Gwen! She had a really hot and sexy dress on. With a low and seductive voice, she purred. "Hey, my parents... they're out of town... Want to make out?"

The cranky guy was unamused, like always. With a high and nasally voice, he said, "No," and shut the door on her. What a jerk, right?

He took two steps away from the door before another knock came from it. Sighing, he swung it open, and he came face to face with Katie. Kinda weird that it only took two seconds for her to switch with Gwen. Or maybe they're the same person, just a shape shifter. Oooh...!

Katie gave a bubbly giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl. "Like, Noah—"

CRANKY GUY.

"—...cranky guy, are you, like, free tonight? Like, yeah?"

The cranky guy scoffed scoffitily. "I'm free to gag myself with a spoon," he said, and shut the door in Katie's face.

He made another two steps away from the door, and, of course, it knocked again. How convinient, huh?

The cranky guy swung the door open, revealing Cody in a suit. He held a bouquet of roses in one hand and a box of chocolates shaped like a heart. The box, I mean, not the chocolates. How cool would that be if there were chocolate hearts? They'd be the hearts of chocolate aliens and everything! That's exactly what the people want!

Back to Cody. With his romantic get up, he gave an awkward yet adorable smile. "H-Hey," he squeaked out, his voice cracking. "Um, would you like to, you know, go out?"

Surprisingly, the cranky guy gave a totally not cranky smile. It was soft, gentle, and warm. Underneath that, however, was a tinge of longing.

He gently cupped Cody's chin in his left hand. Shaking his head in sympathetic sorrow, he said, "It's not going to work, Cody."

Once the cranky guy pulled his hand away, Cody looked to the ground, not able to meet the cranky guy's gaze any longer. With a small nod, he sadly walked away.

Mmhmm, so sad. I wish they'd just get together already, y'know? They'd probably adopt eighteen babies and name them all Eva. Even the guys. Except for one, who'd be name Slagathor. If you say Slagathor fast, it sounds like Sagging Thor.

_Izzy..._

Yeah?

_Do you even listen to yourself?_

I drift in and out.

_...Whatever. Just continue._

What, seriously?

_And just like that, I'm immediately going to regret this._

Anywaaay, the cranky guy took another two steps away from the door, then stopped. He waited five seconds for a knock. Hearing none, he took another step. This time, the knocking happened.

_Real descriptive writing there._

I'm getting to the good part, shush! So, the cranky guy opened the door, and he saw Dawn levitating in lotus position. For some reason, he felt drawn to her. Probably because she was a witch, and the cranky guy had a serious hard on for witches.

_What._

Dawn regarded him with a warm smile. "I was expecting us to meet at this time."

Because the cranky guy always has to be cranky, he gave a cranky answer. "Of course you'd expect me to open the door when you knock. Such prophetic powers, aren't they?"

She smiled obliviously. "Thank you." Standing up, she said, "Would you like to go on a date, perhaps?"

He nodded. "I'd like that."

Dawn smiled.

The cranky guy gave a hungry grin, like he couldn't wait to eat the tag off of her sweater.

_What._

So they—

_No, seriously, what the fuck was that?_

What do you mean?

_'Eat the tag off of her sweater'? This is ridiculous, even for you._

I'm not ridiculous, I'm psychotic!

_That's it, I'm calling it quits._

Aw, come on, don't do that.

_Heading for the door now._

Nooooah, doooon't!

_...Fine._

What, just like that?

_Mmhmm. Besides, I can't let you have all the fun._

What do you—

_Before the 'cranky guy' (Ugh, I'm almost glad you didn't refer to me as myself) and Dawn were able to leave, the psychotic hose beast known as Izzy stormed in, a literal hose clasped in her hands._

_Her eyes gleamed with insanity, as per usual. Bellowing from the top of her lungs (and parts of her diaphragm), she yelled, "VIVA LAS VEGAAAAS!" and battered Dawn with the force of a thousand water hoses. Though, in reality, it was one hose. But damn, did it sting._

_Dawn shrieked, and as her body started spasming from the frothy remains of water, she stammered out, "W-W-Why?"_

_Izzy gave a borderline sadistic grin. "For the glory of Satan, of course."_

But then Izzy suddenly disappeared, because she's gotta make sure Noah and Dawn go on a dinner date and love each other forever and ever because Cody paid me so I wouldn't write about him and Noah for the eightieth time.

_...Okay, that answers some of my questions._

So the cranky guy helped Dawn up, staring compassionately in her eyes. "I saved you from Izzy, let's go out."

Dawn nodded, and she used her witch powers to teleport them to a really fancy restaurant with the fanciest seat in the house.

The cranky guy suddenly wore a Fibonacci suit and Dawn wore a Satan gown.

_FIBONACCI IS NOT A TYPE OF SUIT._

So the waiter came over and gave them Fibonacci noodles.

_IZZY._

Dawn patted her white Satan dress.

_Nevermind the fact that 'satin' is pronounced differently than 'Satan', Dawn leaned forward, her arms folded on the table. "So, how's it feel to somehow be the most popular guy around?"_

_He took a bite of his... let's say macaroni. With his mouth full, he said, "Meh. No different than being harassed by every fan girl on the face of the planet."_

Dawn suddenly stood up, leaning even more forward to tower over the cranky guy. "Kiss me, you fool."

He smirked. "I thought you'd never _turn crazy, just like I predicted."_

No fair!

He puckered his lips _because the lemon that was hidden in his dinner was awfully tart _but that was just a flimsy excuse, because he really wanted to _barf._

Dawn gasped, totally not expecting the cranky guy to actually be cranky. "W-Why, I thought we had something special!"

He frowned. "Of course we _don't."_

"But I don't..." she started.

_The cranky guy scoffed. "Please, as if I'd ever_ hate you!"

_Izzy, for god's sake, give me that._

Noah, stop being a baby and let me finish!

_Like hell! The cranky guy gave another scoff. "We're never going to be a thing."_

Dawn gasped, recoiling back. "But, my love! We were meant to be!"

_"Don't get your hopes up, sweetie."_

"My hopes are up! Upper than ever! I know we have something, I just know it!"

_"Are you deaf? Listen_ to my proclamation of my _intense desire to barf_ up the googleplex of words that can only touch the surface of my _barfing feelings."_

Dammit, Noah!

_Give that back!_

Why?

_You know damn well why._

"W-Why..." Dawn sobbed, the tears threatening to flow.

_The cranky guy and I both scoffed._

"Why do you hate me?" Dawn cried.

_"I don't," he s..._

...?

_... Noah pursed his lips, staring directly into Dawn's eyes. "For god's sake, Dawn, I don't hate you."_

_Her expression didn't change, but she sat back down, an invitation for him to explain._

_Noah sat back down as well, the physical strain of the conflicting viewpoints draining his energy to keep standing. "You might be creepy as fuck, and you might have shitty social skills, but I don't hate you."_

_She sniffed before giving an almost hopeful grin. "Really...?"_

_He rolled his eyes. "The only thing I hate is when people try to force me with someone. Newsflash; I've got a mind of my own, I can choose my love life ." The last comment seemed to be directed more towards the air, if anything._

_Dawn stayed silent._

_"Honestly, it's really fucking ridiculous how people think I'm supposed to be with my dream girl. Or dream guy, whatever. Point is, I don't have to be in love with someone, anymore than I have to deal with this garbage."_

_Dawn glanced down to the ground. "So... There was never a chance, was there...?"_

_Noah rolled his eyes again, but stopped midway, adopting a thoughtful expression. After a bit of time, he said, "Honestly? Not right now, there's not. But if I had some_ _time to gradually come to a decision and had enough reason to... well, maybe that chance will become slightly more than nothing."_

_She seemed almost ecstatic. "Oh, Noah!" Dawn prepared to fling herself to Noah (or glomp him, as those silly schoolgirls call it), though he leaned back._

_"Slow, remember?"_

_She blushed. A bit flustered, she said, "Right. Would dinner be slow enough?"_

_Noah smirked. "Perfect speed for me."_

_And so they enjoyed their dinner. Halfway through, Owen stumbled up behind Noah. Donning the exact same suit, bouquet, and chocolates Cody had, he stuttered, "S-So, Noah, do you wanna—"_

_"Go home, Owen," Noah said flatly._

...Wow.

_Mmhmm._

I just realized pirrahnas aren't mammals, so they can't get rabies.

_Focus, nutsy._

Oh, right. Nice job, Noah, you really taught me a lesson.

_As expected._

I hope Dawn enjoyed it!

_Excuse me?_

Yeeeah, I let Dawn listen in on the whole thing. ...oh god, are you actually blushing?/

_No, of course not!_

Yeah, you are! You're totally blushing.

_...I plead the fifth._

Hey, Dawn, what did you think of the fic?

...

...Why was I regressed to someone with the personality of a Japanese schoolgirl?


End file.
